Saturday, September 25, 2010

Dancing With The Puzzlemakers

It's only a matter of time before the producers of Dancing With the Stars make their way down the food chain.  Down past the Super Bowl MVPs, billionaire entrepreneurs and politicians' children. That's it -- keep shimmying down the food chain, to a place near the Earth's core. Down to where the real dancers are.  Down to Area 225 -- where the puzzlemakers are waiting.

I'm ready to appear on Dancing with the Stars, with the fantastic, flamenco-trained Mark Ballas as my partner. Olé!

For my required tango, I've chosen music by the Gotan Project. It's all written in the stars, of course. GOTAN could be a partial clue (as in "I've ____ idea"), but there's no need to go there.  The Gotan Project is one of the hottest groups on the international stage.

Now why should the DWTS producers even consider me for the show? Here's why:
  • Puzzlemakers, like dancers, carefully choreograph Sunday themes with artistic precision and economy of motion. We PLIE, JETE and CHA-CHA across our grids on an hourly basis. Puzzlemakers practically invented the box step.
  • We're among the few wedding guests who can dance and spell HORA.
  • And, man, can puzzlemakers take the heat! Think Bill Clinton- and Eliot Spitzer-resilient. When our work is excoriated on websites devoted to puzzle critiques . . . we rhumba past our critics without missing a beat . . . on to the next puzzle and the next dance. Good posture, confidence, passion. 
  • Finally, I am uniquely qualified for the job. I can make a Sunday-size puzzle -- backwards, in heels and in rectus abdominis-crushing shapewear. I ask you -- can my male peers do that? 
Check out Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez (grid buds GERE and JLO) in this YouTube vid  . . . this is my tango music selection. Santa María (del Buen Ayre) by the Gotan Project. So incredibly Red Savina pepper hot!!

So, what does a puzzlemaker do while waiting for the big DWTS casting call?  It's never too early to start the arm exercises -- this means bench-pressing the Oxford English Dictionary with one hand, while working the phone with the other.

Hey, things are looking up. Vera Wang just called: my black-and-white sequin gown (asymmetric, with strategically-placed unchecked squares) is ready.  Shall we dance?


Joanne said...

This had me in hysterics, especially the line about the box step. I would love to see you in DWTS. LOVE.

Elizabeth said...

Joanne, I neglected to mention puzzlemakers' role in the evolution of the square dance . . .

I encourage DWTS to step up and invite us onto the dance floor. ;)